Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Parenting Advice (from a Non-Parent)

I know, I know, I haven't shot a squirming, crying watermelon out of my lady place, so I don't know the incredible joys, wonder, sorrow, and depths of childrearing (although I will point out, fewer people will be President of the United States than will be parents, yet we are forever telling the President how to do his job). I do however, work in both education and retail, the two professions upon which the spawn of the stupid are most frequently inflicted, and I do feel it is my duty to point out some things to modern parents that are apparently (frighteningly) not obvious.

  • It is actually not the most precious thing in the world when Turdface Jr. takes an $80 candlestick and sword fights with it. Yes, I will charge you if it breaks, and yes, I will laugh if he hurts himself with it.
  • Your 16 month old cannot use the big girl potty, because she's fucking 16 months old. Whatever dipshit thing you read on the internet doesn't change that.
  • Conversely, excepting special cases re: ability, your child doesn't need praise for using the potty after age 3. That's when it should just be a given.
  • If you don't want kids to know who's winning or losing a game (which is a great life lesson, by the way), don't teach them how to count.
  • Martha Stewart did not design motherhood. When you do crafts/projects with your kids, they will look messy, sloppy, and if it's baking, they'll probably taste god-awful. Embrace the ugly reality.
  • Spare a thought for your kid's teacher. Just because you want your darling angel to know the wonder of how babies are really made, doesn't mean the 19 other sets of parents at preschool are going to be thrilled when Little Booger-breath demonstrates the art of conception by smooshing Raggedy Ann and Andy* together on the playground while their kids look on in horrified wonder. And upon whom will they turn their displeasure? The woefully underpaid teacher--should she have kept a better eye on the kids? Maybe. Could you have just locked the damn door during sexy-time and avoided this whole mess? Definitely.
And finally (for now)
  • Poop is funny. Farts are funny. There is nothing about butts that is not inherently hilarious. Accept it and move on. They will never not laugh at butts.
One last piece of advice for the dads. The second you find out your lady love is pregnant, start putting on a cup as part of your daily routine. You can take it off when your youngest graduates high school. Because at some point during their childhood, each one of your kids is gonna nail you right in the groin.

*Yes, I know, Raggedy Ann and Andy are brother and sister. But Little Booger-breath doesn't.

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